Friday, June 27, 2014

"Sorority Party Massacre" Review - Written by Jim Herling


"There is something seriously wrong with this sorority."

And this movie. Many things, in fact. Here's an example: one of the stars of this flick is Kevin Sorbo, of Hercules: The Legendary Journeys "fame." He's actually only in the movie for about five minutes and it's the only time I've ever uttered the words, "This movie needs more Kevin Sorbo." This movie is so bad that he's the highlight (and judging by the rest of the cast and the special effects, his salary ate up the budget accordingly) of the whole affair.

Before I get into the rest of the cast and their dubious talent, here's the plot to this awful flick, written by Justin Jones and Chris W. Freeman, who also directed: the movie opens with a girl on her way to a sorority function, talking to her dad on the phone before it turns into the opening scene from Scream but eighteen years later and much worse. We then get introduced to our lead, Detective Watts, played by Thomas Downey. He's a cop with anger management issues who is about to get suspended by his captain, the illustrious aforementioned Sorbo, also the father heard on the phone in the opening who hasn't had any contact with his daughter since that call. So Watts and the captain cut a deal: Watts will go keep an eye on his boss' daughter in return for having his suspension lessened. From here, wackiness ensures. He goes to this little middle of nowhere town where the sorority event, a competition between girls from various chapters of the same sorority around the country to win some nebulous prize, is being held. We're introduced to the girls through sexy vignettes that look like they belong on an even lower budget and more passionless version of Skinemax, none of which matters because with two exceptions the girls are just interchangeable bodies who start dying before we get to know any of them. I'd tell you who those exceptions are, but that would be spoiling, and I try not to do that.Watts teams up with the local sheriff and deputy to figure out what's going on, and it's at this point that Downey really shines as an actor.

Not because he's any good, mind you, but because everyone else is so damn bad.

From the generic victims to the genre tropes of special needs houseboy, clueless sheriff and even more useless but sexy deputy, the acting is so over-the-top clich├ęd that it might actually be some of the worst I've ever seen. Which matches the story nicely, now that I think about it. The plot starts off patently ridiculous and then devolves into the kind of absurd, senseless, out-of-nowhere twistfest that would make M. Night Shyamalan wet himself with glee. It was honestly one of the worst endings I've ever seen, but it fit the movie perfectly, at least in terms of quality.

By the way, somewhere in all that we get a cameo from Ron Jeremy, a sure sign of a great movie.

The dialogue, directions, and special effects all match the acting and plot in terms of quality, or lack thereof. That perfect match is the only thing perfect about this movie, which gets one out of five stars from me... and it only gets that one star for Kevin Sorbo and my fond memories of my youth watching Hercules on Saturday nights.

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